The Affairs

Introduction: not so sexy > The 1st Affair > > A married man was having an affair > with his secretary. > One day they went to her place > and made love all afternoon. > Exhausted, they fell asl**p > and woke up at 8 PM .. > The man hurriedly dressed > and told his lover to take his shoes > outside and rub! them in the grass and dirt. > He put on his shoes and drove home. > "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. > "I can't lie to you," he replied, > "I'm having an affair with my secretary. > We had sex all afternoon." > She looked down at his shoes and said: > "You lying bastard! > You've been playing golf!" > > > The 2nd Affair > > A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters > but always talked about having a son. > They decided to try one last time > for the son they always wanted. > The wife got pregnant > and delivered a healthy baby boy. > The joyful father rushed to the nursery > to see his new son. > He was horrified > at the ugliest c***d he had ever seen. > He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the > father of this baby. > Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! > Have you been fooling around behind my back?" > The wife smiled sweetly and replied: > "Not this time!" > > > The 3rd Affair > > A mortician was working late one night. > He ! examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, > about to be cremated, > and made a startling discovery. > Schwartz had the largest private part > he had ever seen! > "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician > commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated > with such an impressive private part. > It must be saved for posterity." > So, he removed it, > stuffed it into his briefcase, > and took it home > "I have something to show > you won't believe," he said to his wife, > opening his briefcase. > "My God!" the wife exclaimed, > "Schwartz is dead!" > > > The 4th Affair > > A woman was in bed with her lover > when she heard her husband > opening the front door. > "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner; > She rubbed baby oil all over him, > then dusted him with talcum powder. > "Don't move until I tell you," > she said, " pretend you're a statue." > "What's this?" the husband inquired > as he entered the room. > "Oh it's a statue," she replied, > "the Smiths bought one and I liked it > so I got one for us, too." > No more was said, > not even when they went to bed. > Around 2 AM the husband got up, > went to the kitchen and returned > with a sandwich and a beer. > "Here," he said to the statue, have this. > I stood like that for two days at the Smiths > and nobody offered me a damned thing." > > > The 5th Affair > > A man walked into a cafe, > went to the bar and ordered a beer. > "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." > "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. > He glanced at the menu and asked: > "How much for a nice juicy steak > and a bottle of wine?" > "A nickel," the barman replied. > "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. > "Where's the guy who owns this place?" > The bartender replied: > "Upstairs, with my wife." > The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs > with your wife?" > The bartender replied: > "The same thing > I'm doing to his business down here." > > > The 6th Affair > > Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. > He looked up and said weakly: > "I have something I must confess." > "There's no need to, " his wife replied. > "No," he insisted, > "I want to die in peace. > I slept with your s****r, your best friend, > her best friend, and your mother!" > "I know," she replied, > " now just rest > and let the poison work."